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Daily SUCS - Thursday 12th May 2005
URGENT NEWS REPORT
On Thursday the 12th May Lucy & Gareth went to Horsea for a splash. Lucy survived, but you might not be so lucky. Be careful mussels bite!
Horsea Island staff said "no comment" and "will you Bu**er off you loony" when asked about killer mussels. SUCS takes this as confirmation that this menace does indeed exist.
While Lucy bravely recovers from her ordeal, Gareth is so shocked he's blurred and out of focus.
It's well known that freshwater mussels can grow as large as 2m high and can swallow a small child. Little wonder then that she was "gobsmacked" when one nipped the finger of her glove causing a very slight scuff mark to one of the neoprene tips.
This reporter was shocked to learn that Horsea staff laughed in her face when she said she had been attacked. "They didnt even offer me a plaster" said voluptuous Lucy (age 21). "It's a good job I didnt need one or I would have been in trouble".
Following her ordeal Lucy has been approached by Max Clifford to appear as the Pumpkin, in Cinderella at the Morecombe Empire.
Both she and Gareth were last heard to say that they had a very enjoyable couple of dives dispite the incident and that next time they would be bringing a large mallet.
Copyright SUCS University Press.
Sunday SUCS - Sunday 15th May 2005
NIPPING GETS WORSE
Following on from the incident last Thursday where a young girl was brutally nipped by a mussel, there have been several reports of shellfish attacks.
Phil claims that he was happily walking round the boat when a scallop jumped up and nipped his finger. Dispite the intense pain he bravely carried on and finished his pie.
Marine Biologist Victorian Dad and Dirty Harry Psyco Lookalike, suggested that the super intelligent scallops may have been after revenge, thinking it was a fish pie.
We have since learned that following the incident a large quantity of scallops have been killed by vigilante attacks.
Phil killled his with some bacon, fried and sealed in a pan.
Copyright SUCS University Press.